i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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