I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
