are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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