They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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