My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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