All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
