WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
