I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
