I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
