I'm so fucking centered right now
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
