BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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