Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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