True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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