I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
