I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
