my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
