i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
