So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i need some magic done to my vagina
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
