Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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