Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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