Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
