I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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