dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
