if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
