Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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