i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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