i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
