My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
