if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
