guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
