you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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