Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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