omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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