Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
