How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
