Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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