You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
