Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
