I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
