My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
