i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
