If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
