I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
