that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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