Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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