maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
