he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
