Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize