My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
