Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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