If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
