I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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