Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
